Surviving Your Family During the Holidays

We all have grinches in our lives that are difficult to be nice to, or people that expect the perfect holiday atmosphere no matter how limited your budget or time is. The similarity between these people is a lack of awareness. They're so caught up in their own issues that they don't realize the effect they have on their loved ones.

The holidays can make these traits in people more pronounced, giving those of us who have to deal with them a major headache. We want to spend the holidays with those we love, but sometimes love isn't enough to help us get through without having a meltdown.

The Yoga Sutra's, an ancient book written by Swami Satchidananda, is a guide to living a yogic life. One of the sutra's that specially stands out to me this time of year is the following:

"In relationships, the mind becomes purified by cultivating feelings of friendliness towards those who are happy, compassion for those who are suffering, goodwill towards those who are virtuous, and indifference or neutrality towards those we perceive as wicked or evil."

The last verse is the one that applies to dealing with difficult loved ones. I'm not saying that they're wicked or evil, but they certainly don't bring out the best in us and can make maintaining a loving relationship a challenge at times. We try our best to be loving and civil but get worn down by the same old behaviors that they exhibit. We allow ourselves to get hurt over and over again. I'll use the relationship I have with my father as an example.

Growing up I adored my father. As I got older and was able to look beyond my own self, I began to notice more about him. I noticed that if I questioned something he was doing he could easily get offended. When we spoke on the phone he was often complaining more than he was just talking about life. He contained a lot of anger from his childhood and it was affecting his life and now mine. What he had kept hidden from me as a child, he now felt I was old enough to deal with. The loving man I remember as a kid was being replaced with this temperamental defensive man.

Over the years we have grown apart. I live on the other side of the US and don't get home often, but when I do I dread it because I know an outburst is a given. So what's a girl to do? My father is getting older and not in the best of health. I know when his time comes to pass I will regret not having spent more time with him.

Practicing indifference or neutrality is the key. Things can't bug you if you don't let them get under your skin. This takes practice of course. Don't think of it as giving in, but choosing to take the easier path. My father loves poached eggs, I find them disgusting. He was making me eggs one morning and asked if I would like some poached eggs. I told him no thanks, I don't like them. He of course took this as an offense. What he heard was, "dad, you eat gross eggs." He got angry and left to eat his eggs in solitude in front of the TV. I can't say that I would have eaten the poached eggs in order to avoid this conflict, but I could have chosen my words and facial expression better.

Generally the people we conflict the most with, we know really well. We know what will set them off. The best way around it is to pull yourself out of the situation if you see it coming, or if you're in the midst of it, choose your words carefully. Don't answer how you would, but how you feel the loved one you're dealing with would like you to. It's the art of communication. My dad is sensitive and I need to make sure when I talk with him, that I don't say anything that can be taken the wrong way. It's significantly more work on my part, but it's better than fighting and it makes us both feel good as we can actually enjoy our time together.

I swear I sometimes love to get a rise out of my father, just because I can. If I take the time to look at why I want to do this, it's because I'm angry that he's changed so much. He throws his hurt feelings at me, I want to throw them right back. But what do I gain out of that? Nothing. It takes more work to be kind to those that hurt us, to try and go out of our way to stop something nasty from brewing. But that extra work is easier than dealing with the hurt, anger and frustration that comes when conflict arises. By keeping our feelings neutral and not taking their offenses personal, we can avoid conflict.

This holiday season if you're going to be around a challenging loved one, prepare yourself. Read up on how to communicate with difficult people. There are lots of books out there on the subject. I have found that people are generally angry because they feel invisible. They just want to be seen and heard, so they act out. If I take the time to look my father in the eyes and really listen to what he's saying with no judgment, he opens up and we can have a great conversation. I get to catch a glimpse of the father I grew up with.

If an argument does happen, or your loved one is overwhelming you with their nitpicking and judgments, take a step back. Instead of engaging and starting a fight, excuse yourself for a few minutes and find a quite space. Take some deep breaths and center yourself. You never want to let yourself get bullied. If the situation arises that you do need to stand up for yourself, don't yell. Articulate your words in a way that will hopefully get through to the other person. If that person simply won't listen, let the situation go. Holding onto it will give you pain, letting it go will lighten your burden and leave you open to happiness.

Often situations with difficult people wear us down and we end up exploding at them, telling them in not so nice words what we really think of them. This won't do anyone any good. This again comes back to the art of communication. Our language is vast and there are many ways to say things, choose your words carefully, they can last forever.

Time passes and we never know how much we have with those we love. The frustration we feel with them will seem silly once they're gone. Take the time to make the relationship work. Know when to engage and when to step back and take a breather. When you're with them, really be with them. Remember, difficult people are often difficult because they feel so alone and unseen. Just looking into their eyes when they talk and listening without interrupting can be all they need to crack their hard shell.