Finding True Love

The notion of finding love strikes us early in life. My five year old has already told me about two
different boys she plans to marry. Some where between school yard crushes and adulthood, we start to associate finding love with happiness and fulfillment. But can a true, fulfilling love find us if we haven't figured out how to love ourselves? Should our lives be considered incomplete simply because we haven't found our soul mate? Perhaps you haven't found them yet because there is still work left to do.

It's not easy when you want to find love and you see it all around you, especially on Valentines day. When love doesn't find you when you think it should, it can leave you feeling angry and uncertain. True love doesn't just come from another person, but from loving and accepting yourself. When you can do that, you're more open to being honest and loving with a potential partner. If you're single and the image you portray to the dating world is true, you're bound to attract the right person. But if the image you're projecting out there isn't the true you, but the made up version you put out there in an attempt to lure in love, you're probably not going to be happy with what you catch.

Love comes when it comes, you can't rush it. But you can prepare yourself to accept it when it does arrive. You can do this by being truthful to yourself about who you really are and accepting of what you find. Often times we don't take the time to find out who we really are. We get on the path of life and run along without stopping to take a breath. When we're finally forced to stop, that's when we look around and realize we don't know how we got to where we are. In the long journey we may have lost a bit of ourselves along the way. Do you honestly know yourself and if you do, are you ok with it?

A yoga practice will give you many things, but the greatest gift it gives is time with yourself. It gives you time to breathe, process what's happening in your life and check in with how you're really feeling about things. You may know who you are, but not necessarily be happy with that. Yoga helps you to process these emotions and find a way to work towards being a better person. Be it emotional or physical. Generally all we need to find out who we truly are is time to think. Yoga gives us that by shutting off the chatter in our minds so we can hear ourselves think.

Yoga teaches us to accept our flaws, we are after all human and full of them. Learn to embrace them, not belittle yourself for them. Yoga will give you confidence by teaching you that if you keep practicing, you can reach your goal. Yoga helps us to dig through all the crap we tell ourselves to feel better and see what is really underneath. It gives us the emotional strength to face it and the tools to work through it.

The Yoga Sutra 1.1 helps us to find our way to our true selves. "Yoga is the mastery of the activities of the mind-field. Then the seer rests in its true nature." Our mind is a powerful thing, it can either work with us or against us. It can tell us we're beautiful and we'll find love, or it can tell us we're unacceptable and we'll fail at finding it. Change the way you perceive yourself and you will change the signal you're putting out to perspective love.

Interfering thoughts keep us from finding our true selves and thus forming any kind of lasting relationships. As the Sutra pointed out, master the thoughts of the mind and you will find your true self. These thoughts are direct perception, reasoning and validation.

How do you perceive yourself? If you're not putting your best self out there, how is it going to attract others? The big question to ask here is if you don't perceive yourself as worthy of a good relationship, why is that? If you don't think you're worthy, you can bet potential mates will get the same vibe. You may open yourself up as a target for partners that like to take advantage. Getting to the root of this question can open you up to love, not just with another person, but with yourself. Self worth will help you find a love that is true, not dependent or dominant.

What's your reasoning about love? The definition of reasoning is "the action of thinking about something in a logical, sensible way." Our brains like to be illogical. We like to fantasize and make up stories. Turn little things into big things. Are you taking the little things about yourself and turning them into something more? Are you turning down potential lovers because you've told yourself they aren't right for you? Look into the reasons why you're so hard on yourself and the people you won't date. It could tell you a thing or two.

Validation, we all love it, but often don't give it to ourselves. That's why we look for it in others. You can't expect another person to validate you. You have to be able to do that for yourself. Don't be afraid to tell yourself you did a good job on something. Give yourself a nice pat on the back. You're not gloating, you're telling yourself you worked hard and did well. If you have validation, you'll love yourself for who you are and won't need to fill that void with another persons validation. Without the need for validation, there is more room for real love.

In yoga we're taught that when a bad thought arises, to replace it with a good thought. Eventually those bad thoughts will be replaced by good. When the thought arises that you're never going to find love, replace it with, love will find me when I'm ready. Stop for a moment to think why you're feeling sorry for yourself in that moment? What triggered it? Focus on all the good things in your life, not the bad. In your practice incorporate more heart opening poses like chest openers. Bridge, fish pose and camel are three great ones.

Being in a relationship isn't all fun, it's hard work. Enjoy your freedom and relish it, because once you learn to love, be truthful, validate, see yourself for who you really are and be reasonable about the path your life is on, you'll be living honestly and love will find you. It may not always be in the form you expect it to be, but opening yourself up always leaves room for something good to come in. Until that time comes, allow yourself to be the love of your life and live it to its fullest. At least you already know your bad habits.